“Pareeksha”

I remember as a child I used to have nervous pangs before every exam and every major event. I remember crying before every such occurrence and my mother comforting me calmly. On one such teary occasion I remember telling her in between tears, how jealous I was of her comfortable environment and how I would love to be in her place and not face these uncertainities, namely exams!!. She just smiled quietly. I never really understood that smile. Anyway that exam went well and the matter came to a close.

College followed school and life was one big roller coaster ride. A secure home, loving parents, good friends, life was good. Career followed academics and soon walked in the knight in shining armour. Perhaps the first pang of insecurity was felt at “ vidaai”. Parents and the security that they offer had become a part of life, much taken for granted. Saying bye to them was a new and strange feeling that left a lump, but along with it came the adventure of a new life with ones partner and soon the lump was forgotten.

Then came motherhood and life changed completely. Two years passed beautifully. Life was full. Then one day came the suggestion “ its time to send him to the playschool”. I distinctly remember the jolt I felt on hearing it. It was perhaps the first time in the two years of inseparable existence that I realised that the child is an individual in his own right and not just an extension of myself. It was the first of the many times that I would have to separate him from myself in the future, so as to enable him to spread his wings and soar in his own sky… “would he be able to manage on his own? He doesn’t even speak properly, how will tell the teachers if he is thirsty, what if somebody hits him?” I could not be pacified. I was determined to look him all over for any cuts or bruises once he returned from school, I planned to feed him extra, my son would after all be using his energy at school, I decided to speak to the teachers everyday and not allow anybody to scold my child… etc. etc. The plans were never ending.

I don’t think I slept the night before his first day at school. We dropped him at school that first day and I forced myself to smile till the door closed behind me and then I howled. And as the tears free flowed, I suddenly folded my hands and prayed fervently with all my faith and belief. I prayed for all the difficulties, insecurities and hurdles in his path to come in my way and for him to have a smooth way ahead. I prayed to be able to take on all his difficulties. I really prayed that day. And just as I was praying with all my heart came unbidden to my mind a smile from my childhood. A “you’ll know it someday” smile. It was precisely that moment that I understood that smile. It was the smile of a mother whose heart was crying at her child’s misery but who would nevertheless swallow the lump, and smile for the fear of weakening the child otherwise.

The mother in me finally understood. I also understood that motherhood is that one test of life, that one “pareeksha” where however well you perform, that one word of real appreciation might take years in coming.... perhaps when your little kids get little kids of their own and realise your sacrifice but by which time you yourself are in the twilight of life.

My son came back from school very happy. He had discovered new friends, new toys, new life, and his mother had rediscovered her own mother all over again. Love you Ma and thank you.

PS: Today my mother lies bedridden with a broken hip and me sitting miles away has been forbidden by her to come to her aid for I will have to leave my little child behind. The mother in her continues to be first a mother, and then a patient, and I realise once again that one's debt to one's mother can never really be cleared.... It is perhaps one of the few debts that we should be grateful to God for and should bask in its glory for as long as we can. If there is anything called a soul...then today I thank my mother from the deepest core of my soul and pray for her quick recovery and health.

Celebrity Adoptions

As I hear about celebrity adoptions, namely celebrities wanting to adopt children from developing countries one after the other, I wonder what their purpose is after all? Is it genuine love or is it merely wanting to make a statement? Is it genuine desire to have that child call you Ma and Pa or is it something else? Even if it is a genuine desire to have a large family, are all desires justified in themselves irrespective of the context they are in?

Anybody who has even one child knows what it entails to be able to give that child a right balance of time, freedom education etc...and for both the parents to have a career as well, can be a real test at times....Gone are the days of huge broods, for extended families no longer exist, and if nannies could do all that parents are required to do then the very institution of family is doomed even before it has started emerging again.....

…...........and most importantly where do the adopted children stand in all this? Is adoption by a celebrity a guarantee of a non complexed childhood, is luxury the only prerequisite to growing up to be a sound adult? Obviously not, for otherwise we would not be having so many spoilt brats lacking love in the lap of luxury. If as a parent there is one reality that I acknowledge with all my heart, it is that the most important prerequisite to being a good parent is to give your child your time, in a fine balance of quality and quantity, the other prerequisites come later...

Adoption is no doubt a good deed. But dear friends, a good deed for wrong reasons doesn't remain a good deed anymore, it becomes a confused deed. Couples before adopting a child need to have their priorities straight, for nobody has the right to play with a young life. There can be any number of outlets for high ambitions, a number of outlets for excess money, number of outlets for wanting to do good deeds ( donations to orphanages or sponsoring children for example) but there can be no excuse for adopting a child for any reason except total sincerity, time and love. Adoption, just like giving birth is a huge responsibility, consequences of which go far beyond the tangible. It is a 'karma' which when goes wrong can lead to horibly twisted destinies and lives, but to a better world, if it goes right.

My advice to people wanting to adopt (celebrities especially for rules especially get broken when they are involved) '' Do not make a joke of adoption or parenthood...its a crime far worse than we can imagine. Understanding the concept of family goes far beyond the size of family. Give a child your name or get her into this world only when, if need be, you are ready to give up everything for that little one....and if thats too high a price to pay.... be sensible! and lead your life sensibly with whatever you have. Do not add to, what you cannot do justice to''.

The Perfect Solution!!

When God blessed us with brains, he perhaps wanted a good laugh, for laugh he must when we, in full utilisation of our brainy assests, choose to make difficult even the most simple of things. Now look at the recent 'furore' over Mahatma Gandhi's possesions being auctioned. A multidollar question ''would the Mahatma have approved of the expenditure on his possesions?'' but of course not, he wouldn't have. He believed in ideals not possesions but then dear friends, there is a difference between a great man placing himself on a pedestal and we, his followers doing the same. While the former would be vanity the latter is inspiration.

Also it is important to remember that striking a balance between what we think is right, and what the world thinks is right is of upmost importance. We live in a society, in a world, and cannot ignore its expectations from us. To let go of the mahama's possesions would perhaps be right ideologically but is it not completely opposed to what is expected of us by this world which is, as it is, viewing India's rise with sceptisicm. Are we once again ready to let go of our heritage simpy because we are too confused with ideologies, only to start claiming that heritage back once the West starts patenting it as theirs? The money for the possesions did not go from funds allocated for some development initiative. They were a gift to the nation from somebody who could afford that gift. A better gift than being spent by politicians on their birthdays!!

I viewed the results of the auction with a deep sense of satisfaction. We did strike a balance after all. Balance between world expectations of us as a nation and righteousness. We were capable enough as a rising nation to claim something that was special to us. That one is for the World, 'duniyadaari' as we might say in India. To give it back to the nation without asking a price for it, thats for righteousness. Mahatma, I think would have approved after all.

slumdog or hotdog?

Slumdog or Hotdog?

When the Slumdog ( my friend's 9 year old daughter chooses to call it hot dog...its hot news, afterall!!) controversy broke out with stalwarts writing about it, me, the ordinary Indian decided to pitch in too....perhaps someone somewhere is interested in the common man's views......

Lets start from the beginning, from the first reaction to the subsequent ones. To be very frank, my first reaction to comments on the film being a peddlar of ' glorification of poverty' was incredulity. Its just a film after all, its bound to be inspired by something or the other, in this case something being 'Slums of India and a novel set in the same', but subsequently over a period of time, I too could not help but be aggrieved by what I saw my friends from west conjuring about India through their impressions from the film. It hurt, for anybody who knows India knows that though slums are a reality, they are not the only reality. However the film is not just for people who already know India, its also for people who are getting to know India only through films like this or books like 'The White Tiger'. Their pathetic impressions of India hurt alright. There is a lot more to India and being Indian, I wanted to say but who cares to listen to me? Iam not an oscar winner after all !

So, well, am I to be blamed for being a split personality, of not being able to acknowledge the truth of poverty etc.etc in my land? The thought bothered me a lot, and I sat down to fathom it all out, in my mind of course...the safest place of all nowadays...

Poverty and its depiction are nothing new. International humanitarian organisations like UN etc. too talk of Indian poverty all the time, they showcase it all the time and nobody minds, why? The answer gets me to the core of the problem, at least in my eyes. The purpose of an act defines the merits or the demerits of that act, to a large extent. Nobody minds a UN depiction of poverty because its all for a good cause....... but when depiction of somebody else's poverty is for reasons other than humanitarian, the responses can be quite different depending upon the context.

' All in the name of creative freedom' too is also perfectly justifiable, and that, incidently may be all that Danny Boyle was doing when he set out to make the film- a good subject, good treatment and thus an extremely enjoyable film. Period. However, it didn't stop at that did it? When the same film starts being touted as a mirror of Indian society by the ignorant West or vested Indian interests, its time to speak up. There is a fine line between exploration and exploitation of sensitive issues like poverty, handicaps, cultural differences etc. and this line is often crossed by one and many in the name of politics, humor or even creative liberties. A bit more of sensitivity may go a long way in restoring dignities which sometimes get trampled upon during people's personal quests.

Also as I read blogs and comments in Indian media lameting the poor portrayal of India, I wondered where has our good old Indian tolerance gone? They said ''People living in ivory towers do not have a right to talk about poverty...'' Why may I ask? If people in ivory towers cannot critique or talk about issues regarding slums, then by that standard all our ministers, scribes and do-gooders who wish to talk about similar issues, should be living in slums, right? But they don't do they? People who have done well for themselves through hard work need to be appreciated and applauded for their efforts, not barred from commenting on issues which plague their society simply because they have managed to rise above it. India needs to remember and renew its heritage of tolerance, I feel.

Let us leave 'Slumdog millionaire' to be what it set out to be...an interesting film which deserves all the artistic accolades that it has received. Neither is it a mirror to Indian society nor a matter of national shame..sil vous plait.