“Pareeksha”

I remember as a child I used to have nervous pangs before every exam and every major event. I remember crying before every such occurrence and my mother comforting me calmly. On one such teary occasion I remember telling her in between tears, how jealous I was of her comfortable environment and how I would love to be in her place and not face these uncertainities, namely exams!!. She just smiled quietly. I never really understood that smile. Anyway that exam went well and the matter came to a close.

College followed school and life was one big roller coaster ride. A secure home, loving parents, good friends, life was good. Career followed academics and soon walked in the knight in shining armour. Perhaps the first pang of insecurity was felt at “ vidaai”. Parents and the security that they offer had become a part of life, much taken for granted. Saying bye to them was a new and strange feeling that left a lump, but along with it came the adventure of a new life with ones partner and soon the lump was forgotten.

Then came motherhood and life changed completely. Two years passed beautifully. Life was full. Then one day came the suggestion “ its time to send him to the playschool”. I distinctly remember the jolt I felt on hearing it. It was perhaps the first time in the two years of inseparable existence that I realised that the child is an individual in his own right and not just an extension of myself. It was the first of the many times that I would have to separate him from myself in the future, so as to enable him to spread his wings and soar in his own sky… “would he be able to manage on his own? He doesn’t even speak properly, how will tell the teachers if he is thirsty, what if somebody hits him?” I could not be pacified. I was determined to look him all over for any cuts or bruises once he returned from school, I planned to feed him extra, my son would after all be using his energy at school, I decided to speak to the teachers everyday and not allow anybody to scold my child… etc. etc. The plans were never ending.

I don’t think I slept the night before his first day at school. We dropped him at school that first day and I forced myself to smile till the door closed behind me and then I howled. And as the tears free flowed, I suddenly folded my hands and prayed fervently with all my faith and belief. I prayed for all the difficulties, insecurities and hurdles in his path to come in my way and for him to have a smooth way ahead. I prayed to be able to take on all his difficulties. I really prayed that day. And just as I was praying with all my heart came unbidden to my mind a smile from my childhood. A “you’ll know it someday” smile. It was precisely that moment that I understood that smile. It was the smile of a mother whose heart was crying at her child’s misery but who would nevertheless swallow the lump, and smile for the fear of weakening the child otherwise.

The mother in me finally understood. I also understood that motherhood is that one test of life, that one “pareeksha” where however well you perform, that one word of real appreciation might take years in coming.... perhaps when your little kids get little kids of their own and realise your sacrifice but by which time you yourself are in the twilight of life.

My son came back from school very happy. He had discovered new friends, new toys, new life, and his mother had rediscovered her own mother all over again. Love you Ma and thank you.

PS: Today my mother lies bedridden with a broken hip and me sitting miles away has been forbidden by her to come to her aid for I will have to leave my little child behind. The mother in her continues to be first a mother, and then a patient, and I realise once again that one's debt to one's mother can never really be cleared.... It is perhaps one of the few debts that we should be grateful to God for and should bask in its glory for as long as we can. If there is anything called a soul...then today I thank my mother from the deepest core of my soul and pray for her quick recovery and health.